I wrote about it last year. Thanks to those who did, and sent warm messages
I also completed a 5K yesterday. The picture above is from the starting line. As
you can see, it’s no where close to zero. We started after the half marathon
Just like the race, life doesn’t always begin when you think it will. I
didn’t know I’d be 41 before I’d feel fully alive. I didn’t know I’d leave
behind friends and a community I built in order to feel deeply connected.
And I definitely didn’t know is have to lose my dad in order to get a deep
sense that he would be really proud of me.
Here’s to new beginnings, whenever they occur…
As I’m sitting in the chaise lounge sipping my cuppa joe, savoring the delectable double-chocolate-cherry-walnut cookies I whipped up last night, my thoughts turn to all the things I’d like to get done today. I start mentally ticking off everything I need to buy at the store: containers for the Element, screening for B’s back door, paint for my new sleeping platform. Oh yeah, what kind of paint do I need? Then my mind drifts to the YouTube videos we watched for constructing the platform. Should I go back and watch those again? “Oh wow,” I sigh aloud. Then I remember, relax.
I take another sip of coffee and pull my arms out from under the straps of my night gown so as not to leave a tan line. I sit back, close my eyes and absorb the sun’s magnificent rays. I breathe deeply and begin to ground myself, hearing the words in my mind: Connect with the center of the earth. Bring yourself down, down, down. Down into the richness of the earth. Down where the rubies, diamonds, and emeralds are manufactured. Connect with Mother Earth.
My mind’s chatter begins to slow…
But like a restless child just put down for a nap, up my mind pops with more questions. What about your new website? What about those newsletters? How are you going to make it out there on the road? Better hurry, girl. Better think of ways to make money! Yet I’m still able to approach myself with compassion. As I would with the little girl who doesn’t quite yet want to fall asleep, I gently say to myself, “Shh, relax, drift off, let go.”
So I move into the second part of my meditation: Let yourself connect with the luminescent white light of the universe. Shift your conscious up, up, up. Up through the atmosphere, up through our solar system, up past the planets to the black velvet of space. Connect to the white light that is you. Roll your eyes up behind your closed lids, up the beam of light and connect.
Now my breathing has calmed. I’m focused on nothing but my relaxed state and the sensation of the warm sun on my skin. It is here I realize, even if I never got up off this chaise lounge, just showing up this morning in my night gown, coffee in hand, with a couple cookies – I am enough. I can slow down. There is nothing else I HAVE to do, just be Kerrie.
So for today, just be you.
Six days to the grand departure. Open road, here I come! But first, I have to lighten my load, squeeze all my stuff down to what will fit in my Honda Element, the Thule roof top box, and the garages of a few trusted friends. And wow, I have to admit, it’s kicking my butt! There’s nothing like shedding all your worldly possessions to bring up damned near every emotion known to man. Allow me to elaborate…
Have you ever noticed the most elegant solution often lies
in the quirkiest paradox?
Most days I feel pretty amazing – I’m happy, excited about
life, thankful for the opportunities I’ve been afforded – but occasionally, I
find myself in a slump.
Yesterday was one of those days. It was cold and windy outside. I worked 7
hours, not my typical Saturday routine, and I was hankering for Taco Bell. After
work, I went shopping for new clothes, but couldn’t find anything worth buying.
I tried to sidestep my fast food cravings by visiting Jamba Juice, but they
didn’t have anything I wanted. In the end, I indulged in the Taco Bell 7-layer
burrito and came home to work on knitting a scarf. After getting out of my work
clothes and walking the dog, I dug out my knitting needles and the gorgeous yarn
I’d been saving for a special occasion. Then I couldn’t decide on a pattern –
did I want to use the 9mm needles or the 15mm? Garter stitch or a ribbed
pattern? Wide scarf or a skinny one? I think I
ripped it out at least four times trying to decide on exactly what would please
me. And if that wasn’t fun enough, I was
also terribly bloated. Not sure if it
was the Taco Bell or the cheese pizza I had the night before. However, I’m
starting to realize after the 21-day vegan challenge, dairy is not my friend. So
my usual calm easy-going demeanor was extremely out-of-sorts.
In the midst of this personal storm, I kept thinking: Kerrie you know better! Why are you
torturing yourself? Why aren’t you happy? Why are you beating yourself up?
I was wrestling with myself – thoughts tugging and tossing me to and fro – until I decided to just give up! That’s right, I surrendered. I decided grumpy and
bloated was the right way to feel on a cold and windy Vegas night. And after I
gave way to my feelings, I discovered it was worth my multiple re-starts in
order to have a scarf I would be thrilled to wear next weekend during my
travels. And I’m pleased to report, upon waking, my bloaty-tummy subsided.
Who knew giving up would provide me the space to emerge
victorious? Where do you need to surrender in order to succeed?